Bijiness, Anyone?

22

May 18, 2011 by Preeks

So now that work’s out of the way (I loved saying that!), let’s get down to some serious business, shall we?

Someone once told me, “There’s a business model in everything.” And I laughed it off. But today, I thought about that, and realized he was right. And so, presenting to you my list of top 3 business ideas. This list is issspecial because its a reflection of the little teeeny-weeny business sense I have. Be considerate.

(I am open for partnerships, especially of the monetary kind, where you bring in the money, and I bring you guaranteed fame.)

FORBES TOP 3 BUSINESS IDEAS BY YOURS TRULY

AT NUMBER 3: THE RETORT MACHINE
Let’s be frank. We have all been there, haven’t we? Intense moment, strong argument, you are in the middle of it all and blank. That smartass has thrown a horrible comment at you, and you have no idea what to say. The proverbial cat which got your tongue is pretty much swinging on it, while you, poor you, you are standing there, red-faced, lost, with no retort whatsoever.


BUT. Fear not. We have just the solution to your problems. As soon as you get into an argument, dial into our service number on your mobile and we’ll be your mouthpiece! With our well-researched database of retorts from various real-life situations (especially mine), our customer care will advice you on the right retorts, at the right time, with the right expressions and the right moves. 

Charges – Negligible (Rs 100 to Rs 5000 per retort depending on nature and complexity of argument and arguer). Negligible as compared to the self-respect you save.

AT NUMBER 2: THE COPTER PARADIGM
Stuck in a jam? Again? Ever considered flying to work? After much speculation, my carpool in college had decided investing in a copter was worth it. So here’s the deal. We buy a Helicopter, fly you wherever you want, hoist you on your building with that fancy hanging ladder and voila. You have just given the finger to all the city’s traffic jams. You are welcome.
It’s not very difficult, you know. The GI Joe figures make it look simple. See?





Charges: Rs 200 per km. Negligible compared to the time and abuses you save. And of course, need I mention the biceps you build and the chance to replace Aishwarya Rai as India’s Indiana Jones?


AT NUMBER 1: THE SOCIAL CIRCLE CARDS
See, here’s the thing. We don’t like going to social events/family gatherings because of the questions we are asked, right? And the best part is, most of the questions are redundant. So, I introduce to you “The Social Placards”. Here’s how this is done. When Aunties field the questions, you refer to these guidelines:

Q1: Oh my God! You have grown up! You were so little (*Insert action with hands, usually placed at a position lower than the knees of the question bearer*) when I last saw you. Remember me?
A1: You pick up this placard:

Q2: Do you know who I am? Guess, no? Come on! We are related!

A2: This board here is your saviour:

Q3: How you have grown! Sigh. Sniff. When are you getting married? Huh? Tell, no? Hmm? *Insert nudging neighbor Aunty*

A3: You silently use the Bhramastra:
I assume there would be no questions after this, so you can go enjoy that sumptuous buffet lunch on your own. There are other placards, but I will not disclose them, unless I get a written confirmation of your willingness to join me in this venture. I keep my “cards close to my heart”. *Wink* *Nudge* *Got the pun?*

Anyway, charges: Standard placards @ Rs 1000 per piece. Customized placards @ Rs 5000. What? Do you know how much thought goes into each of these babies?

So that’s that.
My retirement plans, all laid out in front of you. This being jobless thing is working out for me, I think.

Anyone willing to join, please note: I accept cheques only. And Cash. Or kind. Anything will do. Just pitch in. You will not regret. Pinky Swear.

Signing out,
Awaiting your replies, sincerely,
Picture Courtesy: Calvin and Hobbes, http://www.vrigger.com/
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22 thoughts on “Bijiness, Anyone?

  1. theothersideoflife says:

    Thank you! 😀

    Like

  2. Tanishka says:

    ROFL….. I love the retort plan the most… I' am totally in for that one…. 😀

    Like

  3. theothersideoflife says:

    Hehe! Sure Doctor! 🙂
    You can have as many as you want, just do good publicity! 😀

    Like

  4. Dr Raksha Bhat says:

    Preeti I need those placards!!!!Can I get one for a try:)

    Like

  5. theothersideoflife says:

    Thanks! 🙂
    I know. I don't even need to tell you, right? You are the Finance manager. As discussed in college! 😉
    Tu bol. I am free and ready to start any day! 😛

    Like

  6. Aastha Sobti says:

    I like your innovative thinking. Makes you the perfect B-School candidate 🙂
    You know that I am a partner in each and every bijness of yours by default. 😛
    I am especially impressed by idea numbers 1 and 3. I am sure these services will find a universal appeal.
    Kab start karna hai??

    Like

  7. Sriramana Muliya says:

    Any Calvin lover becomes a friend for life. 🙂

    Wonderful blog – good luck on your new journey.

    Like

  8. theothersideoflife says:

    I like that! You are going beyond and thinking. That's good, Partner! 😀 🙂
    I like your dedication too. You are willing to give all you have? Sweety, I am touched! 🙂 We are so gonna be rich!

    Like

  9. Scorpria says:

    I shudder to think what you'll be saying once you're done ih B-school.

    But I'm all in for Idea No. 3 😀 I'll invest all i have for it 😀
    And for Idea No. 1, you can invest on me. I'll be your mouth piece.

    Now that I think of it, they both somehow serve the same purpose. We should combine them both and call it Idea No. 13 — superbly unlucky for the one at the receiving end 😀

    Like

  10. theothersideoflife says:

    Hahaah! 😀
    Yep. Partners! That should be fun! 🙂

    Like

  11. theothersideoflife says:

    🙂 Yeah. One of these has gottta work. 😀

    Like

  12. theothersideoflife says:

    Wow! You can fly?! That's awesome. It's done. You are hired! 😀
    And yes, would definitely need your choicest punjabi retorts. Will charge people more for that! 🙂

    Like

  13. theothersideoflife says:

    Thanks! Welcome here! 🙂

    Like

  14. nidhi goyal says:

    he he he 🙂 Too good. The bijiness Ideas are amazing ..count me in definately for number 3. Lets be the partners ..no prizes for guessing who'll develop it 😀

    Like

  15. Shivani Saksena says:

    looks like fms pre prep has made u think of a basis for b plan already!

    Like

  16. bikram says:

    Wowo .. when you start with the Second option.. on traffic can I get the job as a pilot , I did my license and all and have a few flying hours under my belt.. Go on it will fun will give you free joyrides 🙂 he he heehe

    and the first one a job wud be nice being a punjabi i have choices punjabi language words 🙂 he he eh

    Bikram's

    Like

  17. theothersideoflife says:

    Ajay, my post seems to have sent the wrong message. I need you guys to join me in the business, not as customers. But as partners. To be even more specific, to fund me. 🙂

    Like

  18. theothersideoflife says:

    🙂
    That's a good idea! You really think this will work? Thanks for the encouragement! You would join in, right? 🙂

    Like

  19. ajay says:

    Hilarious! 🙂 So you've already donned the hat of an entrepreneur. Now only the details need to be worked out. 😀 Great! I so need that retort machine. I have been in that Calvin situation many a times. I'll be the among the firsts to hire your services. Prices are reasonable too. 🙂

    Like

  20. Ramya says:

    Haha…this vacation is doing wonders to your writing. 🙂

    Ooohh…and you should so copyright this post, and then in B-school, you can write elaborate business plans from these ideas.

    Like

  21. theothersideoflife says:

    Hehe! 😀
    That's why I am going to the B-School. To refine all these stupid ideas and see where I am going with them! 😀
    And hello, why are you a customer? You are an MBA. You earn money. You need to join me as Partner. In crime. You give the money, no?
    Don't be too curious. The secret should be out soon! 😉

    Like

  22. DI says:

    And all this before you went to Business school! 😮 I am impressed, very very much!
    I need a lot of help in idea 3, I would be a regular customer for sure! 😀
    I am still curious abt where u r going though 😉

    Like

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