May 30, 2015 by Preeks
In my humble opinion, the true mirror to one’s achievement in life, is their spam mail folder. And by that logic, I have arrived in life.
Sample this mail I got yesterday (in my actual inbox, not in spam):
I decided to reply to him straight away, given how exciting this proposition seemed. Here’s what I wrote:
Dear Mr Dave Hill 933 Ji,
I am excited that you chose me for this amazing profile of “Hotel Services – Skilled and unskilled”. It has always been my dream to work in Canneda. Actually, it has been my dream to ice-skate. That Pepsi Blue Ice Lounge in Gurgaon is a scam, I tell you. When Delhi’s at a simmering 46 degrees, people come in to cool their bums on that ice, in the afternoons. No fun.
So I always thought of Canneda as a dream destination.
Would the Ice Skating Rinks be open after 4 pm, once I am off duty? In case they aren’t, would I be allowed to leave early on Monday, Wednesday and Friday? Also, I assume I will reach the Olympics. When I do, please grant me a paid leave of absence. If you don’t, I may have to reconsider accepting this.
I am really excited by these range of jobs that you are offering me.
From fish packing, to baking, to driving, to maintenance, plumbing, carpentry, ice skating. I hope you have a job rotation policy. I have a feeling I may get bored of packing fish everyday. Is it ok if I switch to Security Guard role once in a while? I am quite alert and intuitive. We call it Unagi.
I also had a small doubt. “Cook and Bakery in all kind of diet” includes Indian food I hope? Let me know. I don’t know any other kind of cook and bakery. Might have to spruce up a bit there.
I am also amazed at the facilities you are giving me. I assume the house you are talking about has a separate bedroom and bathroom for me. I don’t like sharing. If you put me in a sharing room with another Indian, who loves dressing up all the time, and yet keeps her room like a dog’s kennel, I will quit and go back to India. Then you can send mails to other multi-talented people like me. Good luck with that.
Anyway. You really made my day with this mail. Really. Can you send me $5000 in advance? I would like to start shopping for my Canneda trip straight away. You wouldn’t want me looking bad. What should I buy? Winter wear? Is it cold there? Its 46 degrees here. I told you already. Silly me.
Boy. This is exciting.
Keep me posted. Looking forward to hearing from you.
This got me intrigued. I started looking through my Spam folder, and diligently started replying to all spam mails. Here’s one more for your perusal:
I wrote back to them:
Dear Dr Johnson Owen,
I love you. I don’t know what else to say to a man, who brings these tidings to me. Five freakkin hundred thousand Great British Pounds Sterling. I love you. Really, I love you.
Let me catch my breath. I have been running around in circles around my dining table for the past 30 minutes since I read your mail.
This is huge. Hang on. Back to running around the table.
I love you.
This is amazing.
I don’t know what kind of gifted, generous soul you must be. Going around giving such amazing news to people in their mail boxes. I have to admit, I was not expecting this. Imagine. To be one of those 137 email addresses, from 28 networks, picked by a random computer selection. I cannot believe my luck.
What do you think I should do with the money? I have some ideas. I know, you’re probably not interested. I am sure lots of people send you such mails. But, just wanted to share with you, I will definitely give 25% of the amount to charity. Please inform your random computer generator to keep that in mind for the next draw.
From the remaining amount, I am thinking helicopter. Bangalore traffic sucks. You know that, right? One quick helicopter ride everyday to office. Oh wait. I forgot to tell you. When I saw your mail, I shot off my resignation to my boss. who needs that job now? I’ll probably take my helicopter for a spin around my office building, wave down to my boss from there, jeer and fly off.
Anyway. Don’t want to bore you with details.
Now for the next steps. See. Here’s the thing. I don’t trust my bank so much. You know how much spam they send? “Low account balance alert”. “Bill payment alert”. “Credit Card Pending payment”.
I don’t like their attitude. Let’s not get involved with banks. Ok?
I like the way you think with the vault and all. We will hit off, for sure. Here’s what I am thinking. You need to get the money across to me.
How about this?
You buy me a ticket and I will fly down to London. On the Thames, is there free seating? I am sure there will be. We have it here in Varanasi on Ganga ghat. Quite a nice place. You must visit.
Where was I? Aah yes. Sitting by the Thames river. I will be dressed in a nice black dress. I will hold an India flag in my hand, so you can know me. When you come and sit beside me (I will know you, since you so willingly and generously shared your photo in the mail), I will say “Mera sense of humour bahot accha hai, aapko dheere dheere pata chalega.” and laugh an eerie laugh.
You will know its me.
Leave the briefcase under the bench. I will take it up from there.
This is exciting. I have never done anything like this.
I don’t what’s happening nowadays, Mr Owen. It seems like my fortunes turned. The other day I got a job offer from Canada. Now this. Mata Rani is finally looking at me, I guess. Not like “looking” looking. But, yes, you know what I mean. The Bhagya Khul gaye hai sorts.
I dont know why I am telling you all this. Your face is too friendly, John. Can I call you that? 🙂
Anyway. Lots of planning to do. Have to empty the bed drawers to store the money. Start looking for a bunglaw in Indiranagar. An island on French Riviera. World Tour. A Merc. Lots to do. Thank God for your timely notice, I was able to quit my job in time.
I will await the flight ticket. Preferably Emirates. Please do a seat booking for Window seat, near the Emergency row. And don’t forget “Asian Veg” meal option. Had a lot of trouble the last time.
Looking forward to hearing from you soon.
PS: This is what Finance Managers in BMW do, John? Your designation should be Santa Claus. Back to running around in circles.
Is there a job profile, which expects people to write these spam mails? I mean, some one is writing them, right? Will there be an opening for me there?