I *Sue* You.

31

April 13, 2011 by Preeks

I was reading a John Grisham Novel – “The King of Torts”, and I have to say this, I am amazed at this business of suing corporates and organizing  mass litigation to earn money. Monstrous amounts of money! I know this business has not picked up in India, but something tells me, that’s only because we didn’t try hard enough. Hard to believe we couldn’t find enough people to sue,  isn’t it?

Do not fret, though. As always, I applied my mind to this and I have come up with some innovative, undiscovered spaces which we can explore for mass litigation. Think $100-150 Billion. Now read on.

At Number 5 – The Man Who Invented Alarm Clocks

This is the man who caused billions of people insomnia. My estimate is, the litigation should amount to $ 10-15 billion, at the very least. For me personally, I’ll make do with a couple of billion, or maybe a little more, if you insist.

Here are some questions I would love to ask this dude in the cross-examination:

 – What were you thinking? Seriously?

 – Do you *not* like your sleep? Are you allergic to it?

 – Are you a misanthrope? You don’t like to see people happy and sleeping?

 – Are you happy now?

 – Can we expect some more killer inventions from you? *Can’t wait*

At Number 4 – George Crum for his chance invention, Potato Chips 

The story goes that George Crum got frustrated by a patron sending back his potato fries, because they were too thick and soggy. So, Crum, in a fit of anger, sliced the potato into wafer-thin “chips”, deep fried them and loaded them with salt before serving. Needless to say, the dish was a hit and the rest as they say is history. My problem is quite simple. 

 – Did Crum not realize back then that no one can eat just one of the lip-smacking dish he had invented?

 – Did he not know that years later, chips lying in the office cabinet would prove to be a major distraction from work for some people?

 -Did he not anticipate that someone will crack the code and come up with some awesome flavors, which would become impossible to resist?

In other words, consider a law-suit of around $40 billion, my way of saying Thank You to him.

At Number 3 – Delhi Daredevils 

I would be suing them on behalf of Oxford Dictionary, for blatant and gross  misuse of the word “Daredevils”. I will, of course, as the main lawyer, take my meagre share of 60% of the $ 50 Billion I plan to exhort from them.

At Number 2 – Indian Television 

I would enjoy this case for the sheer support I have on this one and of course, the $ 70-80 Billion I am planning. In fact, I think we can fight the case on many accounts:

 – For assuming that we enjoy watching the crap they show.

 – For assuming that Indian women still wear Lehenga Cholis and get married at 10 years of age.

 – For assuming that we believe them when they say their scripted shows are actually “Reality” shows.

 – For not showing *ONE* decent show on TV. Not ONE? Really? Come on. The least you can do is copy some American TV Show! Oh oops, don’t do that. Masterchef India! We don’t want to go down that lane again. OR.

– For showing us Masterchef India! 😀

And At A Handsome Number 1 – The Idiots who Litter Roads 

This is a harassment suit. The case is plain and simple.

– I pay my taxes and hence own a portion of the roads.

– The man who leans out of the car to spit paan is littering “my road”.

– I like “my” things clean.

And hence, I sue him for a paltry sum of $ 100 billion. And while at it, I will also sue him for expressing his love stories on historical monuments through quips like “I Miss You, Baby Shona”, using the roadside as his lavatory, for driving in the opposite direction like it’s all legal and for not caring about any of this.

Do you wish to sue someone? Or join me in my Mass Litigation program?

Drop me a message!

Till then,

Ciao,