December 17, 2011 by Preeks
Let me get to the point straight away. I get it. Its that time of the year again. People will try some serious ass-kissing. There will be blackmailing. Then there’s the bribery? Of course, who can forget the promises? I know. We call it the appraisal cycle in offices here on Earth. I don’t need to tell you, but don’t be overwhelmed by all this. When you have well-wishers like me, you need not worry.
So, I was sitting in the Organization Behavior class last week, listening to an intellectually stimulating, extremely well spoken and an infinitesimally boring monologue on Change Management, when it occured to me that you, Santa, need an MBA professional to look after your services! I did some serious thinking on your behalf, and here’s what I have come up with. Please allow me to explain:
- MARKETING MANAGEMENT – Where do I even begin on this one? With the kind of work you do, you need some real hotshot MBA grads who can make a brand out of your life, paste it on walls across the world (real and virtual), make Televisions scream out your name, put up hoardings that sell you, create social media campaigns and twitter handles that make you the “in” thing and so much more. You deserve it. Naah. But these guys will still do it if they “believe in your brand’s relevance”, and also because in some Marketing lecture, this drivel was fed into their heads and they need to desperately show off. Meh. But whatever, you get your publicity, no? Fine, I was kidding. You totally deserve it. Does it matter? 😉
- FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT – You cannot keep everyone happy. No. The faster you employ an MBA in Finance, the sooner you can convey this little message to the world of lunatics out there who keep sending you long lists of things they want from you. Pretty soon, one day, you’ll realize finances don’t stick around forever and that bank balance does not replenish on its own. Return on Investment? Ever heard of that? Yeah? That’s what an MBA can teach you. So next time you promise a certain 20 something awesome girl in Delhi an iPhone 4S, you can also, in the same breathe, force her to buy paid apps and subscribe to your paid online newsletter, with the latest updates from Lala Land. She’ll do it. Trust me.
- HR MANAGEMENT – There are more Christmas movies on those Elves you employ, than on you. What kind of an HR Manager are you? You need someone who can manage these guys with a strong hand and at the same time make it all look nice and awesome. For instance, you could start an appraisal system with performance based on number of toys these guys make. And then, at the end of every month, you could have an Employee of the Month. Make a compensation system with inflated packages that make it look all nice and puffy, but cut money for every misplaced toy limb and every iPhone with network problems. That should do it.
- OPERATIONS/SUPPLY CHAIN MANAGEMENT – Sliding down Chimneys? Really? That’s your answer to all the high-fi distribution networks the Leo Mattels and Kens and Barbie’s have on offer? Sigh. Revamp. Complete system overhaul. That’s what is required. Automated delivery mechanism, collection mechanism for those cookies left on tables, a GPS tracking to keep a tab on what’s going where. Oh so much to do.
I could go on. But you get the picture? You need MBAs. Period.
I am free and willing to take up this work for the winter as a Live Project that I can boast about on my resume later. Cool?
Now that that’s out of the way, shall we move on to the more important parts? I want an iPhone (like I hinted subtly enough), a trip to Europe, a month long vacation, a million bucks, loads of free time and a life. That’s all.
With overflowing sincerity,
HAPPY HOLS, EVERYONE! 🙂